“Trelissa is the biggest one in the class!”
The comment that started it all. It was blurted out in my first grade class. I was confused and embarrassed. I wondered why little Matt said that and how come everyone silently agreed? His comment replayed in my mind all day. Once I got back home, I went to my mother’s bedroom and looked at myself in her mirror. I made a note of my thick thighs, my chubby belly, flabby arms and mini love handles. I then thought, “I guess I am kind of big.”
I made the mistake of agreeing with little Matthew. From that day on I agreed to every tease, every bully, and harassment throughout all of my years in grade school. I couldn’t catch a break. I wasn’t just being made fun of for being plus-sized, I was harassed for being friendly and having a good heart.
With this combination, I began to believe that I deserved being mistreated.
Maybe I did something wrong that I never acknowledged? To avoid doing that, and for protection, I isolated myself.
By the time I was 17, I really thought I was not going to graduate high school without giving up on life. Thankfully, I got through it. All of those years of pain made me stronger in the end; it was my battle for Strength. I didn’t fight alone either, I finished high school with my mother by my side. She was my biggest supporter, my ride or die, and inspiration to pursue a college education.
When I got to college, I was finally left alone. Nobody bullied me anymore, and I was so happy that it was all over. But I was confused, I still felt as bad as I did before.
Where’s the big relief? I didn’t feel any better because I was still bullying myself mentally and emotionally. And there was one important thing I did not know. I did not know who I was.
All of this began to bother me so much that after a year in college I had a mental breakdown. I couldn’t take feeling miserable any longer. I got tired of crying myself to sleep and thinking badly of myself, so I began my journey to Identity.
I switched majors while attending college from Chemistry to Communication. I did so much better in my classes and learned I had a gift in media. I took baby steps to taking better care of myself. A little pampering here, and a little makeup there boosted my confidence. I wore clothing that I felt was flattering for my figure. I began to socialize, participate in school, and even started dating. I got in my first relationship! Everything was on the up and It felt like I completed my Identity journey, but there was another battle up ahead. The battle for Love and Purpose.
My first relationship ended after two months. I was beyond heart broken. My ex told me that he wanted to ‘go out with other girls while dating me’ and that he was going to do it regardless if I was with him or not. I was in love with him but was not up for the B.S., so he broke up with me. I entered a second relationship two years later. The guy was a narcissist and I broke up with him feeling drained. Even the guys I’d talk to and go on dates with in between relationships were trash. I finally realized that I was settling for less and why.
I didn’t believe that there was a guy good enough for me, so I would settle and give chances to the wrong ones. My mother raised me by herself, and I didn’t grow up with a positive male or father figure in my life. I dated the men I recognized or was familiar with. Also, I idolized marriage and wanted to be loved so badly.
I failed to see that the love I desperately wanted and needed was the love from myself.
Once I saw that, I made myself a priority. I chose to love me not just cause I needed to, but I wanted to. It didn’t feel like a job anymore. I stopped allowing trash individuals to have access to me, my time and energy. I conquered the battle for Love and once I beat that, my purpose was revealed to me. To share with others my story of becoming whole.
Readers, I need you to understand that only you can make yourself complete/whole. In order to be better, you have to conquer those big and little battles in your life. It all starts with you, and you are not meant to do it alone. Make sure you have a support system that is down to help you become strong like my mother did. But finding your identity is a process that happens best on your own. Do not be afraid to be alone in this period of your life. The journey to becoming whole isn’t quick and cannot be done in just a day. You have to start out by taking baby steps and eventually it’ll get easier as you keep walking along the journey, especially with your support system by your side.
Lastly, do not EVER forget to make choosing you every day a priority.
You are the most important person in your life. Believing that you are the most extraordinary human being that have ever walked the Earth, and treating yourself as such, is a practice and a necessity.
Keeping negative energy out and positive energy in is a must. When it comes to relationships, do not let anything less than the best have access to your heart.
There is someone out there that was made specially for you, but you must first conquer your battles of Strength, complete your journey to Identity, and beat your battles for Love and Purpose like I did. You will come out whole and happier than you’ve ever been. You’ll be spiritually lighter and will thank yourself. Please don’t do what I did and settle in pain. Don’t settle in the depression or confusion. Settle for you and wholeness. Settle for your love.