TW: verbal abuse
Imagine a 7 year old girl in her pink footed pajamas being yelled at by her father. She doesn't even remember what it was about because she's always in trouble. She's in trouble for upsetting her father, and she’s in trouble for not walking on eggshells for the sake of his emotions. This continues until she's 23 years old. Moving out helped a lot. Stopping communication helped more.
Now the adult child of a covert narcissist, I feel a lot of shame because I do a lot of comparing. Maybe what was said wasn't that bad. Maybe I'm overreacting? I've been conditioned not to trust myself. I constantly have thoughts like "You don't have it as bad as kids with overt narcissistic parents." I constantly look for permission to feel from others. I'm constantly told to be forgiving by those outside the situation because "at the end of the day he's still your father" and so I should be this Christ figure for him. I've refused.
I'm at the point in my journey where I'm validating myself and trying to move on with my life after stopping communication. For the sake of anyone else out there who may be struggling, I've compiled a list of things he's said to me to show how harmful it is being raised by a narcissist and how being forgiving is not a magic fix nor the path for everybody.
“I will make your life miserable.”
“Sometimes I think you are evil.”
“You are an angel to everyone but me.”
“I love you my angel.”
“I love you more than anything in the world.”
“You see how I’m not upset at your sister? It’s because she gives me love. You don’t give me love.”
“You love your mother more than me.”
“I’d sacrifice my life for you.”
“You’re not invited to my funeral.”
“One day when I’m dead, you’ll regret not speaking your language. You’ll look at my belongings and cry because I’d be gone.”
While hitting me with a switch at age 12 for talking back when he insulted me,
“I was just joking!” “I AM your father.”
“Bastard,” he says as he walks away.
Talking to a friend about hitting me,
“You know she doesn’t cry when she gets hit? It’s interesting,” he says smiling.
*Has opinion that he thinks is stupid because he is superior*
“Who are YOU?”
“After what you said, I wanted to take all my bags and leave the house.”
Melodramatic meltdown after,
“I hurt you because you hurt me”
“What do you mean you’re settling for me as a father? I am THE BEST FATHER.”
After making me login to my email,
“I caught you red-handed!”
And seeing something he didn’t like,
“I HATE you right now.”
“YOU ARE SO DISTANT!”
“You are too sensitive.”
“You don’t understand a joke.”
“I’ll get you a dog if you speak your language. Every time you speak English instead; the dog will lose its leg. Oh look, your dog has two legs now!”
After I told him, he emotionally abused me,
“I SPOILED you,” he said mockingly. Post-graduation when I tried to pack my things and leave because of something he said,
“You should leave your laptop because I bought it.
“None of you will change, so I have to change.”
“You don’t respect me.”
“You never think of the good I do, only the bad.”
“You’re only here for my money.”
“You need me, you have a spending problem, I can help you.”
After I stopped speaking to him,
“You can’t just break up with me like I’m some boyfriend, I’m your father.”
Sends me this email after I stopped communication, blocking him on everything,
“You took my advice to get you out of a financial crisis and you left. You used me.”
“Don’t blame me for your depression,” he said when I wasn’t blaming him for my depression, just pointing out that he had hurt my feelings.
When confronting him about the treatment I get,
“I’m not a perfect father, I make mistakes. Let it go, do you hold onto everything I ever said to you?”
“I own you.”
These are just a few statements, but there are many more. Being raised by a narcissist is traumatic and family bonds are not excuses for bad behavior. If someone in your life cuts off a parent, be understanding. What they need is support and understanding. Don't tell them they'll regret it because trust me, we are already battling with guilt from going no contact. There is no use even arguing or trying to rationalize with a narcissistic abuser because they will not hear you. Going no contact has been so freeing to me. I see my life getting better in so many ways, I see that my words matter, that I can build a life only with people that respect me. I'm starting to fully trust myself. If it's between my wellbeing and this relationship, I'll choose my wellbeing and that's more than fair.